One Last Night...

The Burj was sparkling and the night sky was clear; not like the previous night with a hazy sand in the sky causing a blur of the horizon. That night was bitter sweet like all the other things in my life- happy that it was happening and sad that it would end soon and i would have to go under again.
I could have cried a million times that night, and nothing seemed to have any effect any more; the drinks were crap and lifeless and places were dull and boring. It tried so hard to make me happy, to do as I wanted. but all to no effect.
the beach was blowing cold wind in our faces and we sat and talked...time did fly. a week seemed so short yet so sweet. he would be here in less than 24 hours and it would be time to wake from this dream. the beauty of it all, the fact that i was there at the beach with the one person that cared so deep, the burj shinning in the horizon and 360 inaudible but still exceptionally bright from a couple of miles away.
...AND it was over!
all those nights were I had lunch AND dinner, the nites that I would govern when to come home, the days I wore wat i wanted and not because I had to. It was over. I had taken my breath and was time to head back into the depths of the water with a lung full of fresh air to keep me going for a while.
and then when that air runs out, i will either gasp for air and take in water and eventually drown or kick back as hard as i can at watever cost to taste the sweetness of air once again.

sometimes i go all emo and think that its better if i didnt exist and all that and its very ironic to think that i have so much passion to live, so much i wanna do but at the same time i can give up so easily and say well maybe some other life when i re- incarnate.
oh well...
that nite and all the other nites will linger forever in my head and as time goes by it makes it harder to savour the moments as the details get more blurry but it will never noe how great a deal it did for me. oh dat nite, i felt so in power when i looked at the watch and it said 10 and i was like oh wow thats early. it felt good to walk around without ducking around with whos gonna be there? in my head.
and then the STM( contrary to ATM) came back and we celeberated his existence by just being there. its sad to think that someone could only be cared for coz of financial benefits coz he has created that image for himself and how we all technically trade love for the services to him so that he can put food on our table and money in our pockets. its sad how this family is so fucked that theres nuthing to keep it toghther except for a name and no matter how much nima complains, some things are just too worn out to repair.
we trade services for services, thats ma moms theory and sometimes love and affection get caught up in that transaction. and the more i learn and the more i discover everything joe did was a cause of a disorder or a trauma in my life- everything he said and did was wrong from the start. he basically fucked everything up!
and its unbelivable how i turned out to be- ur biggest argument is well i turned out pretty OK considering wat he did but belive me im far from normal and personally i think i should be locked up in a padded cell away from sharp objects.
sigh...
these nights in dubai are numbered......or maybe not...

Thanks

Nina