Jealousy = Envy = Desire.

Yes, right now envy has enveloped me as more i think of wat happend tonite. Bobby decided to take us out to dinner tonite- an event thats not rare yet its not very frequent. anyways, hes not divorecd yet but hes separated and now hes running wild with the girls. along with us he brought his new girlfriend- funny thing they both looked so fucking similar, the same physical makeup and all that!! i mean ya u tried that kind once well go for variety- well there are some things one never learns. and the more i looked at her the more envious i was!! yes, she was dating this hot rich man and she was pretty( tho it was all plastic- but who cares??) and i felt like shit looking at her!! i mean she had almost everythin a perso wud ask for! a gud car, a non-curfew life! sigh! u noe on the drive back i wud see ppl in cars and doing the regular chase and all that, their late night driving and all that and i was just swept over with this feeling of utter ealousy- oh how bad i want to be a part of all that action even tho i might not get anything substantial but i wanna run wild and crazy like we did 2 years ago with janine. and the funny thing is that i wanted to get out in TP.i dunno...i just wanted to be part of all the fun and the excitement and the flirtations and all that stupidity that comes along with the package and the risk of being caught and all that! sigh
like all the other things i want to do...this is just added to the list!
I just wanna breathe a little and i need to live the dangerous life that they are living.....and you noe y i do all this? its coz i think i wud find happiness in this...and it does give me happiness momentarily. its just sumthing to hold on- a shadow of the real thing!

Sigh,
Nina.

Shitty Flight,Complications and More Shit awaited me!!!

Well here i am in p finally but man since ma arrival so much has happened that my memory is registering as a dream or sumthin of the sort. everythin just happned so fast that i still dunno if my brain can actually digest all this information all at one go.

Nina

We never get wat we want!

Im leaving tommrow for P and me and D got into a spat last tuesday and she hasnt called since then...I think we are very much through. Oh well, Im sort of stuck in between the devil and the deep blue sea, if i stay here its putting up with joe but if i go away its putting up with an army twice as worse as joe. and on top of that i have to attend a wedding that very nicely fucked up my plans for a perfect summer. i dunt even talk to doot anymore, our relationship has changed so much since last year. i fel like i dunt even noe him anymore, hes changed to such an extent that i cant figure him out (like i cud do dat before) but thats besides the point. i have absolutely no business in P, just for ppl to start rumours and ask me how old i am every year....pisses the shit out of me.AND on top of all this, the lack of freedom kills me, and the lack of technology and the lack of space and the lack of cultural maturity and the lack of everythin else....previously i was happy that one thing it didnt lack was love but now im not too sure.
There are no parties, no guys, no fun- i mean yes even if there was its not what I want...and sigh who sed we get wat we want??
Yes, I noe, I sound pretty hopeless right now and the reality yes I am coz theres nothin to look forward to in P. sigh.
gotta run...
Thanks,
Nina

B24's(actually 52), layla's, escaping dad's, happy hours....

When you are bursting and you absolutely need to pee and you can even walk anymore and everything seems like a big blur and you finally make it to the loo and pee for 5 minutes and a relief washes over you like no other feeling on earth.....thats a 'moment'!!

When you are so tired you cant keep your eyes open but you plop down on the bed and the fabric and the texture and softeness of the blanket and eveythin seems so comfortable and soft and you can let urself go in a sea of softness that feels like a cloud even though you might be sleeping on a straw mattress.....the moment before you get whisked away to lala land...thats a moment....

This week was just a mix of a variety of things from good to bad to educational and otherwise! Joe still acting like an ashole like it makes a difference...hes an asshole all year round...
I can t stop thinking about certain people...lucky for example...hes on my mind 24/7 , in fact i created this weblog with him in mind!! he told me that ppl come and go but wat can i do to make an impression so that people wont forget me... and dats wat he did.....now i dunt think i can ever forget him!!
i had a dream about james a couple of nights ago, where he would cold bloodedly hi jack planes and murder ppl on board. and apparently i was his mistress or sumthin of the sort...
btw, who ever u are reading this, u make not make a lot of sense out of it coz it is not meant for public viewing, its sort of my electronic online diary.....but if anyone has any questions or somthings need clearing out then post a comment and i will elaborate.
but anyways besides that....nuthin more to say now, typing takes out the essence of writing from wiritng and does not convey the feelings as well as the pen does or maybe im just old fashioned!

Thanks,
Nina.

Moments

We all have moments in our lives....moments that we never thought existed or had a name. A friend once described what a moment was, " When you are lounging on the couch and the sun hits ur face at an agle from behind the glass and you feel the warmth spreading through your body for only a few minutes".
Recently I have been paying attention to these moments...a moment of anticipation when you are hanging by a thread to the next word a person is going to say; like the time when your travel agent looks at her computer to check the availabilty of the flight. or the time when you propose to a loved one and the next word that comes out of their mouth is a life changing one. or one before a victory when one's name is called out....that moment of anticipation is one of the greatest moments and life changing ones in anybody's life.
Peter pan told the kids in order to fly you need to think of a happy thought and its true...if one thinks of the happy moments that one has undergone on can see a flash of hope in the bleakest of times. feelings like....the feeling of falling in love, the feeling of the first paycheck, the feeling of a surprise or opening of a gift box, the feeling of euphoria etc
these moments are forever, they are neither created not destroyed, its just received and lost by people and its all around us.
Its been a long time since i wrote , since i reflected and since i pondered and now i want to get back into the game.