Back Again....

Well, i cudnt log on so i cudnt write- i wrote on the public notes and that scared and worried everyone so i have sadly concluded as much as i didnt wanna face it that ppl are very disturbed by the very things that we all noe to be true and part of all of us.

Its like we prefer living with the image that both we and the person has created and the minute that image is destroyed we cannot function anymore- i mean am saying this now but am sure if it happened to me then i wud be confused as well. I mean i try to be open to everything everyone has to say and leave a margin for the wierd and twisted side of each person to come out but i dunnno...i guess its not so easy as to theorise about it or rather its easier sed than done.

Anyways, its just better for them and better for me in a way- i can be a lot more un-supressed in my thoughts here.
I havent waxed my legs in around a month and its a pretty sight to look at- it could be mistaken for a shank of a goat as we iranians say- well, i havent had the time or the privacy to do it and its not like anyone is gonna lay eyes on it so watever!!
Apart from that, its been the same- i have found out recently that everyone is so curious about my love life or maybe they beginning to doubt my sexual orientation coz i wasnt with anyone at the time and i am not with anyone here- so yeah i guess they have the rite to raise questions- lol- but watever....lol

anyways, thats it for now,

Nina

Sadly Amusing!

Since there was no profzof to spill this now, and i had to tell it to someone-
Elk cant have any physical things for me coz me and his sister share the same name!
thats it!
i cant belive i actually encouraged him to jack off to a make believe name- so it could work between us!!!
This is just pathethic!
im still recovering from the shock!
its sadly amusing, ridiocolously pathethic and unbelievable at the same time.
looool!

One Last Night...

The Burj was sparkling and the night sky was clear; not like the previous night with a hazy sand in the sky causing a blur of the horizon. That night was bitter sweet like all the other things in my life- happy that it was happening and sad that it would end soon and i would have to go under again.
I could have cried a million times that night, and nothing seemed to have any effect any more; the drinks were crap and lifeless and places were dull and boring. It tried so hard to make me happy, to do as I wanted. but all to no effect.
the beach was blowing cold wind in our faces and we sat and talked...time did fly. a week seemed so short yet so sweet. he would be here in less than 24 hours and it would be time to wake from this dream. the beauty of it all, the fact that i was there at the beach with the one person that cared so deep, the burj shinning in the horizon and 360 inaudible but still exceptionally bright from a couple of miles away.
...AND it was over!
all those nights were I had lunch AND dinner, the nites that I would govern when to come home, the days I wore wat i wanted and not because I had to. It was over. I had taken my breath and was time to head back into the depths of the water with a lung full of fresh air to keep me going for a while.
and then when that air runs out, i will either gasp for air and take in water and eventually drown or kick back as hard as i can at watever cost to taste the sweetness of air once again.

sometimes i go all emo and think that its better if i didnt exist and all that and its very ironic to think that i have so much passion to live, so much i wanna do but at the same time i can give up so easily and say well maybe some other life when i re- incarnate.
oh well...
that nite and all the other nites will linger forever in my head and as time goes by it makes it harder to savour the moments as the details get more blurry but it will never noe how great a deal it did for me. oh dat nite, i felt so in power when i looked at the watch and it said 10 and i was like oh wow thats early. it felt good to walk around without ducking around with whos gonna be there? in my head.
and then the STM( contrary to ATM) came back and we celeberated his existence by just being there. its sad to think that someone could only be cared for coz of financial benefits coz he has created that image for himself and how we all technically trade love for the services to him so that he can put food on our table and money in our pockets. its sad how this family is so fucked that theres nuthing to keep it toghther except for a name and no matter how much nima complains, some things are just too worn out to repair.
we trade services for services, thats ma moms theory and sometimes love and affection get caught up in that transaction. and the more i learn and the more i discover everything joe did was a cause of a disorder or a trauma in my life- everything he said and did was wrong from the start. he basically fucked everything up!
and its unbelivable how i turned out to be- ur biggest argument is well i turned out pretty OK considering wat he did but belive me im far from normal and personally i think i should be locked up in a padded cell away from sharp objects.
sigh...
these nights in dubai are numbered......or maybe not...

Thanks

Nina

Just to Know...

you noe its more of proving to urself above anything that you can have anyone at anytime and you probably could if you pulled the right strings but the question is how far u willing to go to prove sumthing like that to urself? as far as to break a happy relationship? break a lot of hearts? and just walk away with nuthing but the feel of self satisfaction?
i dunno...yes and no- i did it once, and i noe i cud do it again if i played ma cards rite but i really dunt want to end up with sumone like that stuck to ma ass!
and no, coz i did wat i did and this is wat i ended u p with! apparently i was just a mersmerising object till i remained hidden and mysterious and once they were exploited it was BAM!
on this one, i played ma cards they way i wanted to but wat i failed to realise in all my selfishness is wat the other party wanted- but all i say was me in that one scene locked in my head, the one i cant erase and the one i longed to be in place of...the one person that i hated coz of her position at the time! and i cant believe how well things were and how perfect the chemistry and understanding was and then it all just died one day!
dat was it!
and then i learnt the sad lessons life teaches us...
that ppl come and ppl go and in all my naivete i thought this one would last a lot longer than the rest but it wasnt so
that when its ppl's time to go u just have to let go coz the more u try to bridge the gap the more u cause the gap to widen rather than to tighten,
and the whole package...
oh well....now, i dont wanna prove anythign coz theres nuthign to prove anymore- more like been there done dat, i noe wat it feels like so no need no more
let them be happy with wat lil they have and well too bad, ur loss, was too good i guess for u eh?
no worries...
There will be others and more others and tons more so theres no rush...

Tc

Nina

dates

22 feb zofia
12 sep daoud
8 march bigg boi

Fashion My ASS...!

i tried not to say anything, not to write anything but sumtimes thoughts have to be mentioned or written or sed or sumthin- so i decided i had to come back to u, no matter how hard i try to kick ur habit i always come back to a non-judgemental recording device- YOU..!

ill just say wat i wanna say, i will and i dunt care if it makes sense or not coz thoughts dont necesallrily have to make sense! i guess ill never be pretty enuf- guess thats y im single for such a long time! its not all that shit explanation that ppl give- like they are intimitdated by or u or ur too good or stufflike that- maybe its true maybe its not but the matter remains the same that im single and ever since the incident with may,i feel so second rate that im not somebody's "type" or im not good enuf! sigh, it makes one wonder how much we as humans worship beauty of the plastic or natural kind!
speaking of natural- how much raw materials do STUPID big time designers waste to create the most ridicoulous od outfits- yea sure its expression of creativity and all that crap which they have invented to justify a dress that has a sack like bulge swon right behind the ass like its a shit pouch of some sort!
i mean these big time ppl do not say wat goes on in the streets, its cheap brand names that ppl can afford that make up the majority of style and fashion- not a bunch of crazy wierdos and socialites that wear a nightgown with pieces of fabric draping from it like it was put toghther in 5 minutes...and the ironical part of all this is that if i want to i can be one of those idiots who wud praise and wear such a thing if it got me places...sigh!
apart from that, theres not much more to say...

Thanks,

Nina

B'day!

i never knew this many ppl loved me and cared for me...

it is my birthday today- its ma 18th bday and yes im siting at home writing to u Dee, yes true ma bday was not like tabans were she had a cake made in a shape of a 18 digit and ppl and guys in here house and everythin was very cool but no i had ma way of celeberating ma bday! profs and foroush and mojito loved and cherished me with all their gifts and things and it was very very exceptional the way everythin was about me!!

profs gave me a beautiful necklace and candy wrapped so nicely from godiva- the sweet decandance of stumbling upon a small fortune and closing ma eyes on and letting the warmnth and taste spread thru me and my soul was just absoultely sensational and out of this world!

yes iam an adult and as an adult i have responsbitlities like that term paper due next week

tc
tata
nina